Ask Ruth - Answers

Hi Ruth,

I am a female but wanting to change into a man. I have felt like this ever since I can remember.

I have gone to speak to my doctor and she has got in touch with a member of your team Rico.

I just don't know how to go about how to start the change and its really getting me down being in this body. Can you help me?

Amy xxx.

Ruth replies: Dear Amy,

You have done the right thing in talking to your doctor, and if she

has talked to Rico then she should now be able to get you started in

the direction you wish to go. However, don't expect anything to happen

very quickly, it can be a long, slow and often frustrating process, but

you will eventually get through it if you are sufficiently determined.

Good luck.

4th October 2009

 Hi Ruth I am a 36 year old cross-dresser and am seriously thinking of

 having a sex change. Do you think I should go for it? Do you think I would love the feeling being a woman having a vagina and bust?

 Love, Gina xx

 Ruth replies:

 Dear Gina,

 This is a question that only you can answer. It is a very hard,

 personal decision which must be made only after a lot of thought.

 Remember there is more to being a woman than just having a vagina and bust and dressing in a certain way.

 Your mental attitude and the way

 you behave and talk is also important. Remember also that it is a very

 permanent change and the outcome is not always as satisfactory as you may wish. Some who make the change are very happy with the result, but there are others who suffer disappointment.

Before making a firm decision, try to live as much as possible (preferably full-time) dressed as and behaving as a woman. If you can live, do your job and be accepted socially in that role without feeling the need to revert to being male for any reason, then go to your doctor (GP) and talk about your feelings and wishes. You should then be referred to an appropriate gender clinic and you can take it on from there. Be prepared for a long, probably expensive, and at times difficult and even painful experience with many disappointments along the way. If you do decide to go for it, I wish you good luck and much future happiness.

17th June 2009

Message Ask Ruth

 Hi Ruth, Why do other trans people think they are superior to others

 and why do groups let you down and why do they lack any real answers to questions and also why are trans people treacherous ?

~ Gina

Ruth replies:

Dear Gina,

Oh dear! You do seem to have had some very unfortunate experiences.

 Yes, there may be some people who are as you describe, but many others can be helpful and understanding. In groups you can usually get help and advice if you ask for it, but the way you are treated will depend

quite a lot on the way in which you approach people and what that does

for their perception of you. Friendship is great if you can find it,

but don't expect too much of trans people, nearly all are battling

against the same problems that you are. I do hope you find a few friends quite soon. Good luck and best wishes.

Question 22nd October 2008

Hi Ruth

Could you please let me know if any offence is committed if a "non-passable" male walks down the road, respectably dressed as a Lady. i.e. no 6" heels with a 4" skirt etc.

Thank you,

Sally

Ruth replies:

Dear Sally,

I'm pleased to tell you that no offence is committed, so long as there

 is no suggestion of indecent exposure.

 Fortunately in this country there are no laws about what anyone should

 wear except that it must not be indecent.

 However, whether or not you will be accepted by the general public is

 another matter. I don't know in what respect you consider yourself

 "non-passable", but the more modestly and respectably you dress in

"ordinary" clothes the easier it is to pass much of the time. Don't

 draw attention to yourself unless and until you are confident enough to

 make people think "Oh! What a smart and well dressed lady". Dress to

 suit your age, don't over do the make-up, use a wig (if you need one)

 that suits your face, learn to walk and behave like a woman, and you

are well on the way to "passing".

5th March 2010

Dear Ruth,

How do I find a way to ease the stress of not being able to express my true self? I am a 60 year old male now and have tried but failed to bury my feminine nature. Knowing what I know about myself now I would have probably chosen to have gone with my other self. I have had counselling and it has helped me but when it comes to the nitty gritty of day to day living it can be very stressful on me. I have been married for 35 years we had 6 children. My wife and family who know about my female side have struggled with it. Excepting one or two who acknowledge but don't want to see me that way. I know now that I am very happy when in a feminine persona. I am just a woman and there is no doubt. However, I get no chance to be myself as those in the home I am sure would not accept it if I was to come out as a woman. The worst thing I find is that my wife won't communicate with me about this. I just want to be accepted for who I am without conditions. To be able to ''come-out'' and be myself in the home and going out would make my life worth living. I know that. If you can help in any way I would be delighted. Thank you. I am a member of Gender-Matters.

Thanks, Chris.

Ruth replies:

Dear Chris,

You have the problem that almost all of us have had to face, and it is impossible to solve this problem in a way which makes everyone happy.

Some sort of compromise is the best that you can hope for. Trying to suppress your female persona won't work, in fact it usually makes matters worse; it is something you cannot get rid of. It appears that your wife knows about you but refuses to talk about it. This is your greatest obstacle. You must talk with her quietly and calmly, but treat her gently, and remember, she too, is suffering. Try to find an easy compromise to start with, - for instance, if she goes out for an evening with her lady friends, you dress at home and be the woman you want to be for the evening. Establish guide lines that you both agree to follow, there must be give and take on both sides. But don't try to advance too quickly - it can sometimes take years to persuade family members that there is no harm in what you do, and that you are probably a better person to live with when you are happy with yourself.

Unfortunately in your circumstances "coming out" completely may be difficult or even impossible but with patience it should be possible to arrive at a compromise you can all live with. Don't try to force your female self into her life. Dress by agreement if possible. Try to get her to say, however grudgingly, "Yes, alright dear, you can dress tonight and we'll watch television together". But be aware that the way in which you dress can influence the degree of acceptance. If your wife is a "conventional" fifty something woman, you should dress as a "conventional" 60 year old lady, don't even think about trying to look young and sexy. That will instantly antagonise her. Conversely, don't adopt an androgynous appearance, that just looks ridiculous. If you can persuade your wife into some degree of acceptance her influence with your children may be useful. The above approach may be difficult and at times you will feel very frustrated but if you wish to stay together it may be the only way. In extremis some people go away and live alone in the mode that they desire, but breaking up a family like that should be an absolutely last resort.

Do you live near enough to get to a Gender Matters meeting? The locations and times are given on this web site. You can attend in male mode if that is most appropriate for you, and ideally, bring your wife with you so that she can meet and talk to others.

Ruth.

14th Feb 2009

Message Ask Ruth

Hi Ruth, I'm 17, nearly 18, and I'm at breaking point. I have no idea who and how I am supposed to start the transition process. I have spoken to my doctor who has referred me to lesbian and gay groups but they have no information on transgenderment and have only been able to give me website addresses. I feel like I have no one to talk to and just feel like giving up. Who do I talk to about starting the transition process?

Yours sincerely, Liam.

Ruth replies:

Dear Liam,

You have done the right thing in speaking first to your doctor, but unfortunately he appears to be one of the many who know nothing about the subject. You will somehow have to find a doctor who has some knowledge of transgenderism, so go back to your doctor and have another talk. He may be able to refer you to someone who can be more helpful, but be very tactful in the way that you suggest this! In any case, do join a trans-gender support group, where you will be able to discuss the transitioning process and probably obtain a lot of information from other members of the group. You obviously need to find a group near to where you live, but if you wrote to this group because we are in the West Midlands, and you live near, then contact us directly by phone on the number that you will find on our home page.

14th Feb 2009

Message Ask Ruth

I'm doing a course at City College re: gender. I need to know how to identify how a trans-sexual person would be discriminated against and the effects on the physical, social and emotional wellbeing. I also need to interview a trans-sexual person. Thank you, Kaz.

Ruth replies:

Dear Kaz,

There are many ways in which a trans-gender person may be discriminated against and the effect on their wellbeing will depend to a large extent on the attitude of the individual concerned. At the two extremes, some will be devastated while others may be able to shrug it off.

I cannot advise you about where you could interview a trans-gender person because I don't know where you live, but if you put trans- sexual, trans-gender or transvestite into a search engine it will give you a lot of information (possibly too much!!) including the names and locations of various support groups. Find one in your area and make contact explaining what you wish to do. If you are in the West Midlands you could ring Gender Matters on 01902 744424.

Hi Ruth

I am an 18 year old TS and have a heterosexual 21 year old boyfriend who I have been with for 12 months. He has recently started a bar job and I am worried he will cheat because I am still pre-op.

Please help, I am so stressed out.

Thanks, Leah.

Ruth replies:

Dear Leah,

Does your boyfriend know that you are pre-op TS?

If he knows, and really loves you, he should be sympathetic and support you during your transition.

If he does not know, you absolutely must tell him and accept the consequences, because if he finds out later, perhaps from someone else, it would have a devastating effect on both of you. He may even feel that you have been cheating him.

Assuming that he knows and does cheat, there is nothing you can do about it. It is unrealistic to expect anyone to always behave as we want them to!

If things do not work out as you would like, remember that you are very young, and because you are pre-op, you still have to experiance living fully in the gender that you feel you should be. So there is plenty of time to develop other relationships which could turn out to be as good or even better than what you have at present.

Best wishes and good luck

26th January 2010.

Hi Nick

I’m Karl Needham the full time Project Outreach Worker for Gender Matters; you can visit my link on Gender Matters, just click on the “FtM button to access my profile.

I’ve been handed your query pertaining to the web page “Ask Ruth” you accessed on Gender Matters Website.

Right, first of all Nick you can see other consultant psychiatrists at Charing Cross Gender Clinic, besides Prof Richard Green. Listed below other Doctor’s:

  Dr Stuart Lorimer

  Dr Don Montgomery

  Dr David Dalrymple

When you visit your Gp for referral to Charing Cross give he/she these names.

The waiting list to see one of these consultant psychiatrists is up one year for your 1st assessment, then a further 4-5 months for the 2nd assessment (it is standard practise and this includes the Private route also, to have 2 assessments before hormone therapy can commence). Alongside seeing a consultant psychiatrist they would like you to see a consultant psychologist as well, who are also at Charring Cross, their name is Dr Penny Lenihan.

Regarding the other question about your daughter......... unfortunately there is never an easy way to explain the process you are embarking on to her. As a suggestion perhaps, postponing that chat until you have spoken with a psychologist and looked at ways together in broaching this delicate subject matter with your daughter!

If I can be of further assistance, please feel free to contact me on 01902 744424 during office hours or email me at karl-needham@gender-matters.org.uk

Regards Karl

 2nd December 2009

Dear Ruth,

I'm a m-t-f transgender individual who is currently living in South London and I would like to find out where there are trans people social venues in my area ?

Subsequently, this would improve my chances of some day seeking a partner who is f-t-m.

I am presently pre-op and N.H.S funding being what it is shall satisfy my gender psychiatrist shall therefore sanction me to undergo surgery.

Ruth replies:

There are many trans groups all over the country, to find one in your area put 'transgender' 'transvestite' or 'trans-sexual' into a search engine. You could try the following sites first:

'www.theangels.co.uk' 'www.gsuk.org' 'www.TransLondon.org.uk' This

list is by no means exhaustive, there are many more.

13th Aug 2009

Dressing in public.

Can I get in trouble by law wearing ladies clothes in public?

Or if the police pull me over driving and I'm wearing women's clothes can I get in trouble?

~ Mark

Ruth replies:

Dear Mark,

Just wearing ladies clothes is not against the law. You can wear anything you like provided it is not indecent, but whether or not you will be accepted by the public is another matter.

This will depend on you - what you look like and how you behave. The ideal is to look and behave so much like a woman that no one will know that you are not.

This can be difficult for some, and most of us have been 'read' at sometime or other, and if you are detected by someone who finds it amusing or unacceptable it can lead to trouble. Try to remain calm, but if the situation appears threatening get away quickly, but retain your dignity. If you are followed try to find or phone a police officer, anyone following you may be deemed to be guilty of harassment or a hate crime, which the police should take very seriously.

As for you and the police, you should always be treated with respect and addressed appropriately - ie if you are convincingly dressed as a woman you should be addressed as 'madam'. You would have a genuine reason to complain if any individual officer failed to treat you with respect, provided that you were doing no wrong.

When driving you should scrupulously observe all traffic laws so that there is no reason for you to be 'pulled over'. Should you have the misfortune to be involved in a traffic accident you must tell the police and the other people involved your real identity.

Good luck with dressing and going out, but be self-critical of your appearance and get all the small details right so that you can feel confident.

To 'pass' is a wonderful feeling !

14th Feb 2009

Dear Ruth

I have a query about trans adoption: do you know anyone who has been through the process and has successfully adopted children in the UK? By this I mean adopting complete strangers' children through an agency - not partners' children or your own as a matter of formality. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Regards, Kris

Ruth replies:

Sorry Kris, but I don't know anything about trans adoption nor do I know anyone who has been through the process. I think you should approach some adoption agencies and ask for their views.

Also if you have a look at www.pfc.org.uk and do a search on adoption you will find some information, and then if you ask them, they should be able to help you, they look at all the llgal and legislation on transgender issues.

Question 26 November 2007

Hi Ruth Can you please help me as I am a TV/TG and loosing my hair in places and have a small patch with some but little growth in that area, I do not like wigs, What do you think that I should do, can you please, please, help me.

Ruth replies:

First I must say that I am not an expert in this field. I can only tell you what I believe to be the situation. If you want a truly definitive answer you must consult a trichologist (hair expert). But beware of charlatans, you may lose a lot of money and still not have hair!!

My understanding is that you are unlikely to get growth back unless you can block male hormones and take female hormone treatment. Even then it depends on how old you are and how long you have had hair loss.

A young person just starting to lose hair may, with the appropriate hormone treatment, be able to restore some growth, but if you have been without hair in that area for a long time it may be impossible to restore it. I'm afraid that if your male genes dictate that you are to

lose your hair there is not a lot you can do about it.

If the area of weak growth is quite small, and you can use appropriate treatment to prevent further hair loss, you may be able to grow the good hair long enough and dense enough to be able to dress it in a

style which will cover the weak area. This may dictate the only hair style that you can have, but it may still be better than a wig.

However, a good wig in a style that suits your face and properly looked after can be very convincing, and when you have worn one for a long time you may even start to feel undressed without it!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do,